the votes are in, and i have spent the last week becoming a fitness guru to the stars and the homeless alike. well at least i didn’t end up with the alternative. i spent enough time last week having to perform on the street, living off what little cash strangers are willing to give me. they call prostitution a ‘game’, but when your down a back alley with a double sided dildo in your hand, things start to get pretty real.
becoming a fitness guru is not as easy as it sounds. i had to ration myself to four starbars a day. i had to get up at eleven every frickin day to do three laps of the front garden. i was sweating so much i was taking showers every couple of hours. at least i was until my jax turned into a swamp and cracked my head off the sink. its all worth it tho. I’m in the shape of my life and my incredible physique can only help me with the tail.
my first celebrity client was Mary Harney. She arrived first thing monday morning raring to go…but Baz’s patented workout programme did not agree with her. after six minutes of intensive exercise Harney had collapsed outside my gaff and unfortunately medical services had to be called in. ambulances were not able to cope with her ample frame so we had to strap to her to the front of a forklift and bring her down the hard shoulder of the M50 til we got to Beaumont Hospital. from there a small crane airlifted her on to the roof, and doctors were forced to attend on her right then and there, as it was felt miss harney would endanger the staff if she was put in the emergency lift.
i guess some people cant handle the burn. if you want Baz to get you into that wedding dress for your beach holiday, then im gonna push you to the limit. im gonna make you run til you puke. im gonna make you ingest nothing but celery and cigarettes. im going to put so many steroids up your ass that you wont be able to find your mickey for weeks. if its good enough for ronan keating than it will be good enough for you.
