Baz's Blog

can you handle it?

bazcast — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 13:38:56 +0000

the votes are in, and i have spent the last week becoming a fitness guru to the stars and the homeless alike. well at least i didn’t end up with the alternative. i spent enough time last week having to perform on the street, living off what little cash strangers are willing to give me. they call prostitution a ‘game’, but when your down a back alley with a double sided dildo in your hand, things start to get pretty real.

becoming a fitness guru is not as easy as it sounds. i had to ration myself to four starbars a day. i had to get up at eleven every frickin day to do three laps of the front garden. i was sweating so much i was taking showers every couple of hours. at least i was until my jax turned into a swamp and cracked my head off the sink. its all worth it tho. I’m in the shape of my life and my incredible physique can only help me with the tail.

my first celebrity client was Mary Harney. She arrived first thing monday morning raring to go…but Baz’s patented workout programme did not agree with her. after six minutes of intensive exercise Harney had collapsed outside my gaff and unfortunately medical services had to be called in. ambulances were not able to cope with her ample frame so we had to strap to her to the front of a forklift and bring her down the hard shoulder of the M50 til we got to Beaumont Hospital. from there a small crane airlifted her on to the roof, and doctors were forced to attend on her right then and there, as it was felt miss harney would endanger the staff if she was put in the emergency lift.

i guess some people cant handle the burn. if you want Baz to get you into that wedding dress for your beach holiday, then im gonna push you to the limit. im gonna make you run til you puke. im gonna make you ingest nothing but celery and cigarettes. im going to put so many steroids up your ass that you wont be able to find your mickey for weeks. if its good enough for ronan keating than it will be good enough for you.

It’s Go Time

bazcast — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 17:13:04 +0000

The votes are in and it looks like all u lucky, lucky people are going to watch me become Ireland’s biggest gigolo since Marty Whelan lost all his savings in Anglo Irish Bank. There’s gonna be a queue round the block once everybody finds out my supple ass is for sale.

the extra cash is gonna come in handy cos Bazcast has not become the overnight goldmine i thought it would. obviously i haven’t been taking advantage of the massive financial opportunity thats been staring me in the face. so first thing monday morning a shipment of 10,000 Bazcast ashtrays is on its way from Taiwan. My cousin Billy’s sorting out the Bazcast t-shirts so there shouldn’t be any problem there. also for any lads out there, wondering how to show mom/sis/girliefriend that u love her this Christmas? well why not try my own signature perfume ‘Eau de Baz’. it combines the essence of Moroccan silkworm, the slightest hint of Egyptian mulberry and a certain ‘Je ne sais que’ (which may or may not be recycled Chinese toilet paper). Order yours now for the low, low price of $89.99 a bottle. All major credit cards now accepted.

in the meantime, i’ve got the spread the word to all the ladies out there that there’s a new gigolo in town. inform any female friends of yours that if your looking for a manwhore with the best darn pedicure money can buy, Baz is your man. simply log onto manslut.ie to find someone who can be a friend, a confidente, and yes, even an incredible lover. i’m just a phone call away…

Broken Heart

bazcast — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 16:40:45 +0000

Been feeling really down since Una finished with me. Eamo hasn’t been interested in talking about the whole Una thing, I mean can you call that friendly? All he wants to talk about is how many people are watching Bazcast and whether his edit was good or not. Not to sure how to take it – should I try and get her back? Or should I just try and move on? Perhaps the votes for this week’s question will answer that one for me…

Una look what you did.

I seem to have spent most of the week eating ridiculous amounts of chocolate and vegging out on the sofa – that sounds a bit like Bridget Jones, god damn what is happening to me?

Anyway – have just discovered the new RTE player – how cool is that! One day Bazcast.com will be up there with Killnascully. I’m beginning to know the whole daytime TV schedule off by heart – thank god for Bazcast otherwise I’d have no reason to get off that auld sofa. The Bill is on, so better go. Baz out!

Pastry Doughboy

bazcast — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 16:49:39 +0000

Jesus what a week! here i was having a great time surfing it up when all of a sudden my adoring public called upon me to make my latest life choice. time to get back that crankpot of a boss of mine. unfortunately my ingenious plan was horribly executed by that tosspot Eamo and i ended up looking like a complete idiot…

No point going into detail now just check out the latest episode to see my finest moment go belly up. after a two hour trek along the dublin-wicklow border i thought i had finally escaped those pesky police dogs, but a couple of local yokels informed the police about my whereabouts in exchange for 40 john player blue and the latest edition of playboy. the Federales had finally caught up with El Baz. nothing sobers you up like a night in the cell, either that or your next door neighbour trying to fondle you after youve passed out on the nitelink on your way home to kilbeggan…like that time its happened to my buddy…Daz.
I had a lot of lonely hours to think about how i could get my life back on track, maybe take a holiday with Una and get away from it all for a while. then i use my one phone call to get her down to the police station to tell her i love her, and what does she do but break up with me! i just can’t catch a break. well i’m so sick of playing the field and being a general stud that i’m going to lose the laydees for a while. for the next episode i want yous to decide whether i should pack it all in and join the priesthood…or start getting paid for having to put up with girls on a night out and become a gigolo. cos lets face it, this ass is worth a lot of love dollars. got 99 problems but a bitch aint one hit me!

Surfing is tough

bazcast — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 16:19:47 +0000

Yo yo peeps, I was out hitting the waves by Bull island yesterday and I’ll tell ya what, there’s nothing like it. The tubes were tiny and perfect for a beginner. Granted, I totalled my board, took out a school of kite surfers, accidently punched their instructor and nearly drowned the lifeguard… but… who cares about them… bunch of losers, get a real job is what i say. Stop pretending you’re a fish…

Check this.

bazcast — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 15:43:53 +0000

DJ SPAZ BAZ

Unemployed and Annoyed

My name is Bazzy B, $$$
And I’m here to say,
I’m here I’ll never leave,
Too many hours i’ the day, ™
I don’t got a job,
but i got a killer life,
and that’s not to mention my trouble and strife,
she’s gonna be my wife
she’s gonna be my wife
yeah yeah
she’s gonna be my wife
she, sh-sh-sh-she’s gonna be my wife &

used to have a job,
used to have a boss,
then i got fired,
so i don’t give a toss,
he got a moustache %
and he got no class
and gimme a minute
i’ll put a cap in his ass,
a cap in his ass
a cap in his ass £££
yeah yeah
a cap in the ass
zik zik zika wooop
booompth
che
checheche chekit
check out this $h*t
yeah check the shit.
SbaZ OUT YA’LL $$$

Daytime TV rocks.

bazcast — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 16:12:59 +0000

First day of properly being unemployed, haven’t even got outta my PJ’s. Kinda cool, watched a lot of daytime TV like – Cash in the Attic, Diagnosis Murder, Murder She Wrote, Jeremy Kyle, Loose Women, Neighbours and of course couldn’t miss Home & Away. But I’m refusing to watch Big Brother cos they’re a pile of pants – I could SO do a better job of being wild and CRAZEEE – don’t know why they rejected me!
Rang Eamo a few times, but he’s not answering my calls. The first episode seems to be getting a lot of responses, some not so nice, I seem to have a few haters out there. Some great ideas of how to get back at my boss, not many people seem to be voting for me begging for the auld job back – may well have to stay unemployed.
Anyway better run cos Sponge Bob Square Pants is just starting.

Movin’ on up

bazcast — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 12:56:29 +0000

Cos I’m movin’ on up
You’re movin’ on out
Movin’ on up
Nothing can stop me
I’m movin’ on up
You’re movin’ on out
Time to break free
Nothing can stop me, yeah.

Episode numero Uno

bazcast — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 11:18:48 +0000

First Bazcast is up and I’m about to become the biggest star in the history of the web. Basically just go to my very own website at Bazcast.com and watch the first of many videos that will launch my career as WebTV guru. My life is about to change forever and all because YOU, my fans, get to decide what I do. So go and vote or make a suggestion on what I should get up to next. Remember the Bazmeister is here for YOU! Baz out.

What a screwed up dream…

bazcast — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 10:38:22 +0000

Ok so I had the weirdest dream last night. I was in the shop buying profiteroles when out of nowhere a hurricane hit. I ran for cover but the roofs of the buildings came off. Then, suddenly I was naked with only avocado to cover my modesty. Some Eggs ran around the corner and started chasing me. I ran down an alleyway. The eggs followed. I was trapped. But then I looked up and saw The Hoff in a helicopter. “Grab my hand” he said. I grabbed his hand and woke up…